Thoughts on Tradition (from a non-traditional couple)

When I would dream of my wedding as a little girl, I could see everything perfectly clear - my dress, the outdoor ceremony, my bouquet, my beautiful bridesmaids, the delicate decorations - everything except the person I was marrying. At 10 years old that makes perfect sense, why should I be able to perfectly envision who I would marry 13 years later? However, now happily married to my wife, I'm left wondering if part of the reason why I couldn't seem to get even a body shape to come in clear during my wedding dreams is because I was trying so hard to picture a man.

Side bit of information - I didn't know I was, hmm let's say not straight, until my mid/late-teens, and I didn't know I would marry a woman until I met my wife. So all I'm getting at really, is that maybe my subconscious was more open to the idea of a non-traditional marriage than my 10 year-old conscious was.

When it was time to start planning my real life wedding, I began to experience a lot of (what felt like at least) déjà vu; I couldn't for the life of me seem to get a clear image of what my big day would look like. This time though, unlike at 10 years old, I had my partner; Maeghan's bright, beautiful smiling face was always in my imagination. What was different now, was that I couldn't seem to picture small things, like me walking down the aisle, the bouquet toss, cutting the cake, father daughter dances, and all other really big iconic wedding moments. I'd flip through wedding magazines given to me as engagement gifts and end up tossing them aside feeling very discouraged. No, my groom couldn't do this or wear that...I DON'T HAVE A GROOM. So I'd open up my laptop and Google "lesbian wedding" hoping to find some clarity. None. No clarity. What I would find, were endless pages dedicated to "how to plan a non-traditional wedding". Now, I did refer to my marriage as non-traditional, but why does that have to mean that my wedding should be non-traditional too? I was beginning to feel ostracized by both wedding communities...

Maeghan and I knew we wanted to get married outside from the get go. A few weeks (okay fine days) after we were engaged, we started to browse popular venues online. Not only did the venues not feel right, but it didn't seem to make sense for us to get married in Ottawa when it had only been our home for two years. When Maeghan came up with the genius idea to have the entire wedding on her parent's property, everything began to fall into place. From the moment we secured our [relatively] non-traditional venue, Maeghan and I decided to capitalize on all of the flexibility that comes with not having a "booked venue", and to distance ourselves from all expectations; we decided to put away the heteronormative magazines and stop reading the non-traditional wedding blogs, and just make our day our day. 

So let's get down to it, what are my thoughts on tradition? Why did we have such a traditional wedding when we as a couple are quite non-traditional? And when we are expected to help break down [somewhat] archaic traditions rather than reinforce them? To answer that question in the simplest way possible, Maeghan and I had the wedding we wanted regardless of what's traditional and what's not.

If you're married you know this already, and if you're not...sorry to break it to you, but weddings come with a ton of expectations. Some of those expectations are cultural, some are just preferences of those around you (i.e: parents), but most are deeply rooted in longstanding tradition. Now it's up to you, the couple the day is all about, to decide what you wish to do with all of those expectations.

While trying to piece together what we wanted our day to look like, Maeghan and I turned back to those heteronormative wedding magazines to get an idea of what a typical traditional wedding looks like from start to finish. From there, we scratched out bits that didn't make sense to us (like the garter toss...I have so many questions about that tradition), we kept what did make sense, and we altered things we were on the fence about so that they did make sense to us. While doing this, we didn't think much about where the tradition stems from or what society thinks it means, we thought more of what it meant to us.  

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Some examples of traditions we kept or altered:

I chose to wear a long white dress because when will I ever do that again? And Maeghan and I chose  for my "reveal" to remain a surprise until the day since there are few great surprises left in life. 

We both chose to be escorted down the aisle by both of our parents. This had nothing to do with our fathers (or our mothers for that matter) "giving us away", but rather them showing their support. 

I wanted to throw my bouquet but thought everyone should participate, so I had a gender-free bouquet toss. 

We both had father daughter dances simply because we couldn't imagine not. It's not creepy and it's not symbolic of your father's last dance with his little girl. It's a chance to share in a "time stands still" moment with one of the most important people in your life.
(If that person isn't your father, why not have a special dance with whoever it is?)

We chose who we wanted in our wedding parties, regardless of their gender. And we allowed them to pick their attire because who are we to tell them what they look best in. 

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Looking back on our wedding day, I suppose it may have fallen closer to the traditional side. But not without careful consideration. So I guess in short, my thoughts on wedding traditions are to take them at face value and make what you will of them; build the day - from start to finish - that you want, that fits your style, and that you want to remember for the rest of your life. If that means you wear a white dress, great. If it means you wear a black one, awesome. As long as you end the day with a smile on your face and a heart full of love, you've done it right. 

It's The Soul That Needs a Surgery

Today, October 10th, is World Mental Health Day. Let me start by making you really think. When you think of the word health, what do you think of? Most often, our minds probably run to any kind of physical ailment - broken bones, cancer, heart problems, etc., OR, we imagine a state of perfect physical health. But what I think many of us overlook, is mental health. Now, with that being said, mental health doesn't have to mean mental unhealth. That's where stigma comes in. Not only do we, as a human race, often struggle to see mental illness as an accepted ailment or illness, but there seems to be some kind of shame in ensuring we are taking care of our minds, the same way we care for our physical selves.

With the hopes that putting a face to mental illness helps to end some of the stigma, and as a way to encourage you to take care of your minds, I'll share with you my journey as a survivor of mental illness.

I won't "sugarcoat" it and I'll get right to the point; I am battling an eating disorder. This is by no means breaking news. I have been battling (and winning!) against this monster for the past 10 years. I can't tell you how it started. I'm sure it was a combination of many things including my brain's susceptibility to mental illness, but I can tell you it started when I was 13 or 14. The little girl in that photograph grew up in a middle-class, value-based, love-filled home, and she was not subject to abuse (short of minor childhood bullying), yet she struggled to fit in and find her place. The teenager between that little girl and the young woman in the photo, went to war with herself each and everyday in an effort to feel beautiful. 

For the past 10 years, I've had my highs and (at times extreme) lows, and my eating disorder has come in many forms. And despite the fact that I am sitting at a healthy weight and am doing better than ever, I still battle each and every day. You can't see my mental illness, and you wouldn't assume I am or ever was a survivor of mental illness from my upbringing or my current lifestyle, and that's what causes stigma. I am not ashamed of my illness, or it's story. I am, however, ashamed of myself for not always taking better care of my mind.

Of course, when your illness has you completely wrapped up in what feels like a choke hold, you aren't able to admit that you're struggling and need help. But when help is offered, or you reach out and decide to begin taking better care of your mind, the biggest hurdle can be stigma and shame. And I think it's time that ends. 

There is absolutely nothing shameful about taking care of your mind, whether you are battling an illness or not. 

Life's tough. At times, it can feel as if way too much is being asked of us; there's a lot on your plate at school, your kids are growing and developing and need your constant attention, you're battling with the rest of the country to find a job that pays the bills, society is telling you that you need to be perfect, and it's all too much. But that's okay, there's a solution to that! If the stress from life caused your back to ache, you would see a chiropractor, or caused your heart to beat irregularly, you'd see a cardiologist. But for whatever reason (maybe because it's unseen and "unfelt"), we sometimes neglect to notice what the stress is doing to our minds and how badly we need healing.

Taking care of (or healing) our minds doesn't have to have it's own type of specialist or remedy, it can and should be entirely up to you. Really, often all it takes is finding time to do what makes you happy, and time to relax your mind. For me, when I seem to be struggling more than normal, I do rely on a "specialist" (therapist) for extra support, but most often, I practice my own healing. What makes me and my mind happy and healthy are simple, everyday things like: frequent exercise, adventuring to new places, crafting/creating, writing, watching movies, long chats with good friends, hugs and kisses from my wife, snuggles with my cat, and of course, a nice glass of wine. So when I feel as if my mind could use some taking care of, I make time (or more time) for some of the things on that list.

So this weekend, while you're being thankful for all that you are surrounded by, make some time to do something that makes you happy. Your mind will thank you for it in more ways than you know!

When Life Gives You (lots of) Rotten Lemons

It's been way too long! Life (mostly wedding planning, oh and moving across the country too, I guess) got the best of me, but now I'm back. So to recap, WE GOT HITCHED! Almost two months ago on August 15th at 4:00pm (just kidding, a bit later since I was late to the ceremony), Maeghan and I said our "I Do's" and partied our butts off with our closest friends and family. Like everyone says, it really was the absolute best day of my life. What more could a person want than to be surrounded by the people who love them most in the entire world, enjoying good food, too many drinks, and seeing nothing but smiling faces, hearing constant laughter, and feeling such an immense amount of love?? 

Here's some photo evidence: 

When Maeghan asked me to marry her back in May of 2014, she told me that if she were going to spend the rest of her life being unlucky, she would rather spend it being unlucky with me. I think I was both laughing and crying when I heard those words, but nonetheless, I was definitely nodding since I agreed that we've always seemed to have awful luck. After that day, it was like a switch flipped and for the next year or so Maeghan and I's bad luck seemed to disappear. It isn't as if we started to have some unnatural kind of good luck where we won the lottery, or constant uncannily-good things happened to us, it's just that the constant string of bad things ended and life in general seemed to become easier.

Then, as if we had licked the last of the good luck off of each other's lips when we sealed our marriage with a kiss, our bad luck picked right up again. It all began with having no hotel room for our wedding night as it had been given away, and carried on throughout our trip across the country including awful occurrences such as a flat tire, having our car broken into, and nearly not making it through the mountains due to engine troubles. When we finally arrived in Victoria - so worn out physically, emotionally and financially - we thought we would start to catch a break. But sure enough, the bad luck continued continues on with silly things like all of our mail going missing, or fighting through hiccups with the insurance company that cause hefty fees, and finding out our professional wedding photos are...disappointing to say the least.

Now I'm going to be honest with you, this outlook that I'm about to share with you did not come easily to me. For the first few days in Victoria, I spent more time crying than not, and I was constantly asking myself (and poor Maeghan) "why me" and "what did we do to deserve this". Then a few days ago, with lots of support from my fantastic wife, I made the decision to begin to think more positively, despite the constant negative or unlucky things that continue to occur. I decided that rather than sit around waiting for life to at least give me fresh lemons so I can make some frigging lemonade, I'll take my truck load of rotten lemons and compost them to make mulch for my garden and grow my own lemons.

Okay, so obviously I don't actually have rotten lemons, and I definitely do not know anything about turning them into compost and growing my own lemons, but what I do know is how to get back into the driver's seat of my own life. I can't help that for whatever reason "bad things" may continue to happen in my life, but I can cope better. I can work on reminding myself that those "bad things" in my life are relative, and probably measly compared to many other people's "bad things". I can resist the urge to ask "why me" while getting sucked into compiling a mental list of all of the negatives, but rather work towards finding a solution to my problem and take a moment to reflect on all of the positives in my life. And lastly, I can create my own good luck.

It would be nice if I could create luck like choosing the winning lottery ticket this week, or ensuring no one I love ever gets cancer, but that's not how life works. What I will do, is choose to acknowledge the small things; the little lucky things that go unnoticed each day, and make them outweigh the seemingly large pile of unlucky things.

This past week's list includes:

- my new iPhone not smashing when it went bouncing down the cement side walk

- my favourite tea being on sale right when I wanted to buy it

- a great volunteer organization having availability to take me on as a volunteer immediately
- our new dryer not shrinking any of my clothing
- having our cat escape and not run away
- Mcdonald's not having any ice cream, causing us to find a delicious local ice creamery and being able to try nanimo bar flavour for the first time

See, let's imagine for a moment that my iPhone had smashed, or my dryer did shrink my clothing, I would have been devastated and wondering "why me". However, not smashing my phone or having my clothes shrink doesn't just mean I've evaded bad luck, it means I was lucky! Who's to say that we can't rejoice because our favourite tea was on sale when we wanted it, or because our indoor cat was only hiding in the bushes a few feet from the door? These are instances of good luck, and I'm not going to let them go unnoticed anymore!

So along with doing more things that make me happy, like becoming a mentor or joining a new gym, I'm going to be that girl signing Queen's "We Are The Champions" at the back of the store because I found the last medium in the sweater I've had my eye on...but my question is, will you be singing too, or will you be drowning in your pile of rotten lemons?